Emotions

Firstly, I would like to thank you so much for all the wonderful comments that you left under my last entry. Each and every one touched me and it is wonderful to know that so many care.

Secondly, yes I did get flowers from Mike

I also received some from Becky and family

Here they are en masse.  The lilies have opened now and are filling the room with perfume.

So, why have I titled this entry - Emotions?  Because mine are shot to pieces at the moment.

Some of you might think that is a very strange thing to say. When something wonderful happens to you as it did to me last Friday, you would expect to be on a high, you would expect to be dancing for joy.  I was -  for one day and then I disappeared into a black hole from which I have yet to emerge.

There may be some of you who can identify with this and that is the reason I decided to write about it.

As human beings we have great adaptability, we have great strength at times when it is called for.   You will all have heard stories of people being able to lift a car off somebody single-handed in an emergency, of people rushing into burning buildings with no thought for themselves.  There are many examples of what the human body and mind can do when the circumstances call for it.

However, at the end of the day we are not machines. For all things there is a reaction.  The mind is a strange thing and can cope with so much.  Take someone who has ever nursed and cared for elderly or sick loved ones.  The long hours, the same grind day after day, the endless worry.  I know I went through that with my Father.  I was exhausted, the family were exhausted but we carried on because we had to.  We never thought of the pressure, maybe because we did not dare think of it.  We just did what we had to do.

Anyone living under any type of stress for a long while has to.  It might be financial worries, an abusive relationship or, as mentioned, a sick loved one.  We cope, we manage, we get through each day at a time.

That is how it was with my Dad.  Then, one day he was gone. No more daily washing of soiled sheets, no more preparing meals, no more wondering if he wandered off somewhere or set fire to the house.  Then we had his loss to mourn and the arrangements to make.  It was only after all that was done that I shattered.  I did not have a break-down.  I just felt physically and mentally empty, worn down, worn out. It took me some time to recover.

I am experiencing that again right now.  After living for fifteen months under intense strain, after seeing J-Land friends lose their battles, after losing two very close non-journal  friends very suddenly and all whilst battling on myself.  Not being able to make long term plans for the future because I did not know if I had one. Living constantly with fear, tension, worry.  It was always there at the back of my mind no matter what I was doing.

At first I could not understand it myself.  Why could I have not kept that feeling of elation?  I have done a lot of thinking and realise now that is it because of all of the above.  As I said, we are not machines.  My cancer counsellor once told me - and I remembered her words today, that often people face their diagnosis and treatment with great bravery and courage, many even managing to retain a great sense of humour and being good examples to others.  She told me that often,  only when the pressure is lifted, that is when they fall apart. She said she has had people come back to her as much as two years later in pieces when the reaction has suddenly hit them.

Well, it has hit me much sooner.  That does not make it any easier to bear and certainly does not detract from the good news of last Friday.   However, my family are finding it hard to understand why I have shed more tears in the last few days than I have in months.

My emotions are a mixture of relief, guilt, exhaustion, emptiness.  As if I am not capable of anything right now.  I suppose I am lucky it has hit me now rather than much later down the line.

I hope these feelings do not last too long, I am trying to deal with them as best I can.  I take each day as it comes and hope that each day sees an improvement. If not, then I will contact the counsellor again and talk things through with her.

I hope you have been able to understand what I have tried to say.  Some things are very hard to put into words but I have done my best.

I have a feeling that some of you who will read this can identify and have been through similar things yourself.

Anyway, thanks again for all the wonderful words of congratulation, they mean the world to me.

We have a little man's Birthday coming up soon and I am going to try and concentrate on that.

Love

Tags: emotions, trauma, reaction