Yesterday, I was reading the journal of someone I have come to look upon as a good friend. In it she talks about depression and how it affects her even though she says it does not last more than a couple of days. I know that black hole so well, having experienced periods of deep despair many times in my life. I know that there are other journal keepers out there who live with depression as a daily companion. It is very hard to put into words how you feel when you suffer it, sometimes you do not feel at all, you are just a robot going through the motions. Other times you lie and stare at the wall unable to think, unable to read, watch t.v or have any interest in anything. Other people function around you but, to you, they seem like a dream that you are no part of. I have likened it to being in a deep muddy pit, standing waist deep in water. You frantically try and scramble up the sides but you cannot get a handhold on the mud and keep falling back. You so desperately want to reach the light and climb out but you feel you have no strength left. Othertimes it feels as if you are drowning and going under for the third time. Sometimes you cannot bear noise. Sometimes you long for companionship whilst, at the same time, you do not want to be among people. It robs you of your joy of life, robs you of happiness.
I have already written one poem about depression but that is very personal and very very dark. So last night, as I am going through one of these periods myself right now, I sat down and tried to put into words something of how it feels. I do not want this to be a dismal and unhappy entry but wanted to share this with you today, especially all who are depressed, to let you know that you are not alone:-
DROWNING
When we chat in the street, shopping in hand,
I look alright, so you don't understand.
Don't walk away, don't turn your back,
Look at me - I'm drowning.
When you knock at my door with parcel or post
And I flash a fake smile though I feel like a ghost
Don't rush to your bike and pedal away
Look at me - I'm drowning.
I stand at the check-out, you tot up my bill
You glance at your watch and slam shut the till
Don't cut me out and dream of your tea
Look at me - I'm drowning.
When I stand at the door and blow you a kiss
And face a dread day in the deep, black abyss,
Don't leave me now, just give work a miss
Look at me - I'm drowning.
And when I am gone far out of this place
And you cannot recall the look of my face
Don't just shrug and go on with the race
Remember me - I drowned.
Copyright 2004
However, my faith and my loving family have always got me through. Pray God they continue to do so. I always hang on to that little spark of hope which never seems to burn out however bad I feel. Just one tiny spark, but that can be enough. That spark can one day ignite a blaze that will illuminate the road back into the light.
I have, for a long time, loved this painting which is entitled
Hope In The Prison Of Despair
By Evelyn De Morgan
So, to all of you who suffer either depression, physical illness or chronic pain, never lose that spark. Always hang onto hope. It is always darkest before the dawn.
13 comments:
Jeannette, thank you for this.I can relate to this entry. You know I often feel as if I am sinking into deep water also, I feel as if I am standing outside of myself, watching myself sink helpless in deep water and I can do nothing about it. I also cannot stand noise when I am depressed, not even the ticking of the clock on the wall. I turn off everything in the house. I can also relate to that feeling of wanting companionship, but not wanting to be among people. It is like a hunger that cant be satisfied. Thank you again Dear Friend for this entry. This will let a lot of people know that they are not alone. God Bless You My Dear Friend.
Jeannette, fantastic poem. I have suffered badly with depression on a couple of occasions, the last around four years ago. Even though I don't feel depressed now, I still feel quite paranoid and anxious, and I don't let people get too close. I could never put it into words like you have though.
Sara x
That's a wonderful painting, and a wonderful poem. I'm glad you have that spark of hope right now.
Yes, I certainly do know the feeling. Your poem puts it very well, because so often we look all right on the outside, but are lost in darkness unseen by others. Thank you, and Many Blessings, Margo
I know, I truly do...JAE
Nice entry Jeannette! Your poem hit hoenm with me also. I do not (IMO but others might say I do!) have cronic depression but just the normal everyday, occasional blues sometimes and your poem also hit home for those.
Sorry I have been around to read lately. I have been having some frustrating computer problems. BUT I am BACK! ah ha ha ha!
Have a wonderful rosie day!
Cheryl
I think that I know just who you are talking about...you should email her that poem in case that she dont happen on it!!!!
Love
Chelle
Jeannette, what a very touching poem you have written. You've gone right to the heart and exactly caught the feelings of many of us. I've said it before and I'll say it again, your writing is beautiful. The picture you have chosen is also very powerful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Susan
Gorgeous pics Jeannette, the poem is superb. I can see why you like that picture, so much sorrow depicted and the deep colours reflect the atmosphere. xxR.
Jeannette, EVERY bit of your entry made me cry - the poem (and it's ending), the words afterwards about faith and family (which brought back hope - if even a glint of hope somewhere), the photo, the tribute to those who suffer from depression physical illness or chronic pain. I cried because somebody understood, and maybe, just maybe, there IS a way out. -Krissy
http://journals.aol.com/fisherkristina/SometimesIThink
Very well said and the poem right to the point.
Hope you are feeling better soon.
*** Coy ***
Awww thanks for braving it mate and writing this very touching and personal entry. Depression is underestimated world-wide because many people who suffer from it hide or mask it so well and many are also embarrassed to talk openly about it. Keep at it love, you have so many out here who are with you and care bout ya. Take care and never give up!
I wish I could say that my family helps me get thru the depressions when they hit. They cannot even see it.
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