Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Anne, This Is For You

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This is a very personal thank you to my friend, Anne.  She is not a journaller but I know she does read my journal. So Anne, I want to thank you publicly.

I have had so much love and so many prayers from so many of you out there in J-Land and you know how very grateful I am to each and every one of you. I received many cards and they are still up on two doors in our home where I see them constantly.

Anne, had a mass said for me at her Church in Wales. I was not aware of it until she told me and said how very beautiful it was. Afterwards her priest gave her a crucifix to send to me and it arrived this morning.  The priest, who will be retiring soon, has worn it on his belt for forty-five years of loyal service to our Lord yet he gave it willingly out of love for me, a person he has never met nor ever will. 

It arrived this morning. I do not need to tell you how much this has meant to me, a truly special and very blessed gift. It touched both Mike and myself and we shed a tear, not out of sadness but out of joy and thankfulness.

I will not quote from Anne's letter that accompanied the crucifix because it is personal but I will just say that her priest thinks that the news for me will be good. I am hoping that with the love of God this will be the case. God sometimes tests us, tests us very hard and we question why.  I know my faith in the Lord has been tried many many times, there have been occasions when I thought I could no longer believe, but no matter what  has been thrown my way I have always stood by my faith.  It is this faith that has carried me and will continue to carry me through the ordeal I have been living recently.

It is also the gestures shown by other people that lift us so very much.  When friends do things completely unasked for and unexpectedly. The little kindnesses, the thoughts that move them to do something special, something surprising.  This is also God working.  Working in other people that they show love and kindness to one another.

Anne, I know you and Arthur have had a very hard time yourselves with the illness of your three children.  You have had to make hard and painful decisions, you have been tested to the utter limits.  Yet your faith has remained strong, your sense of humour has never wavered and you are a true and loyal friend.  I will never forget this true act of love on your part.  God bless you and Arthur and the boys and hold you all  forever in His tender care.

Love

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Monday, May 28, 2007

What A Wash Out

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Typical Bank Holiday weather!  Has not stopped raining, very strong winds and cold enough to have the heating on low.  I feel sorry for all those who booked days out or went away for the break unless they flew abroad where there is sunshine.

Our local airshow has been badly hit.  It lasts for two days, Sunday and Today.  The number of spectators was well down yesterday and will probably be lower today.  Such a shame when you think of the work and expense that goes into it.  Usually we see many of the planes flying over us but due to the bad weather they have had to change direction and fly out over the sea.  We usually enjoy watching them and, in the past, Mike has got some good photos.

Last week a young man was shot just a couple of miles from here.  He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He saw a robbery in progress.  A security van was delivering money to refill a cash machine when it was attacked by raiders.  He went to help and was shot point blank in the chest.  At first they feared for his life but thankfully he has now recovered consciousness although he remains very ill.  The police will be interviewing him when he is stronger.  All so pointless as well as the money would have been useless.  As soon as they tried to open the box an orange dye was released making the money unusable and also hopefully staining the culprits.  We have never had gun crime in this area. Burglaries yes, fights yes, but never anything involving guns  What is the world coming to?  Violence is becoming more and more common even on our own doorsteps.

I continue to hope and pray they find little Madelaine McCann who was abducted whilst on holiday in Portugal with her family -  although as time passes, I have to wonder whether she will ever be found.  I remember when little Ben N was abducted in Greece sixteen years ago.  To this day he has never been found although people thought for years afterwards he had been sighted here and there.  When I heard about Maddie I thought of Ben's parents and how awful it must be after all these years still not knowing what happened to their son.  So many youngsters go missing every day some because of the situation at home, some to head for the bright lights of big cities.  So many families in distress.   I hope for Maddie's parents that the story will have a happy ending.

I am glad to say that my armpit is now healing although slowly.  The top layer of skin died.  It went completely white and peeled off.  The new skin is quite pink but there is hardly any pain now and any itching is caused by the healing process.

Once again, after a break, I am not looking forward to going back to the hospital again tomorrow and feeling a bit anxious.  You would think I would be used to it by now and it would not worry me -  but it is not exactly a place that people enjoy going or a treatment that anyone could say they enjoy having.   Still, not much longer now.

Leo continues to think he is the king here.  He gets into Jesse's basket and tries to stop Jesse getting in there.  He loves the white plume of Jack's tail and likes to try and hang onto that much to Jack's annoyance.  However, they are all great friends (on the quiet).  Cats and dogs are not natural enemies unless they are taught to be.  We have never owned any animals that did not get on with one another.

Mike is going to try and get some new video of Leo playing in the next few days and I will post it on here.

A friend sent me something really funny.  I wish I could share it with you on here but it contains a word that would break the COS conditions even though it is genuine article from a newspaper.  If anyone wishes to see it, I will send it in an e-mail if you request it.  Instead I will leave you with this little bit of fun.

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I know you will all be thinking of me again this week as I continue to attend for my treatments.  They are all very early so I will have to be up at 6.30 a.m. every morning UK time!  Usually I am just turning over in bed then lol.

I wish you all a good week and God bless you.

Love

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

More Pills!

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Radiotherapy was quicker today because I am now only having  booster shots until the course is finished.  So we should have been home really early.

Alas, it was not to be.  Three days ago I started getting terrible itching under my armpit with a fiery red rash. Looks just like nappy rash that a baby gets.  I did mention it to the radiographer on Tuesday.  This is NOT the side I am having radiotherapy on.  She said it looked like a heat rash, keep it cool.  She said it could have been caused by the awful sweats I was getting on Tamoxifen.  I bathe or shower at least once a day and often twice.   Anyway, on Tuesday I had to see Dr. Robinson again.  She was pleased the way everything was going but she had been notified by the staff  that my anxiety levels had been much higher  and the counsellor also told her the state I was in when I phoned her last week.

Dr. Robinson advised me to stop taking the Tamoxifen whilst I am having radiotherapy to make it easier.  She assured me that stopping for a short time would not make any difference. I can re-start once I am finished.  I told her my blood sugars had also been much higher and she said this was due to the stress.

So I reckoned this rash was caused by the sweating, the high blood sugars, stress etc. etc.  Strange though that it did not affect the side that is being treated only the armpit on the other side.  I was not unduly worried, it was more the awful itching.  I can hardly keep my hands off it and want to tear it to pieces.  Obviously I cannot walk around with my arm in the air so the armpit is not exposed to much fresh air as it is usually by my side.

Anyway, it was so bad this morning I mentioned it to the radiographer again.  She had a look and immediately said I needed to go upstairs and see the nurse.  Up we trotted, the nurse took a look and was not happy so she buzzed for a doctor.  I expected to get a tube of cream.  Oh no, not that easy.  The doctor took a look and said she could see signs of infection starting.  She could give me no idea why this has happened other than that it could be due to my diabetes, being run down from radiotherapy etc. etc.   Anyway, I now have to take two antibiotics, three times per day - as if I am not on enough medication!  She also suggested I might like to take an antihistamine to cope with the itching.

I am not a happy bunny today.  Antibiotics upset my stomach badly and this is not what I needed whilst having to get to the hospital on a daily basis.

Mike duly took the prescription to our local pharmacist.  He immediately advised against the antihistamine.  He has all my drugs on his computer and said it would be too much of a cocktail for me and would not advise such a mix with all the other medication.  He is a very knowledgeable man and we trust him implicitly.  He said  just take the antibiotics, try and keep it as cool as possible and try not to scratch it.  How I am going to keep from doing this I do not know.  It just seems one thing after another.  I do know that when radiotherapy is finished, I have to get my sugars sorted out.  Maybe they will just drop naturally when the strain is off.

At this time because of the tiredness, I am not getting any exercise which does not help because it is important to stay active when you are diabetic.  Diet and pills alone will not do it when you are inactive. I have been told to forget my blood sugars whilst I am undergoing treatment.  Easier said than done, believe me.   If they do not drop, then I will have to see my diabetic nurse.  I am due for a full diabetic check anyway.  Will these medical appointments ever stop?  Will I ever be able to get a rest?  Give me a break!

I can only hope that the antibiotics work.  I would have preferred an antibiotic cream to have applied externally but there you go.   It is a never ending saga at the moment. I know it sounds silly, but for those of you that pray, please pray this armpit clears up.  I was greatly worried when she said it looks like it is becoming infected.

Lots of you liked my Avatar yesterday.  I have made another one because I did find a short hair style, more the way I wear my hair and I like the background better, so I am sharing this with you today.

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No, other pictures for  you today.  I did say I would take you on this journey with me and that is what I am doing.  I just cannot believe I now have this extra problem, I am certainly getting things heaped upon me in abundance.  As we are coming up to another Bank Holiday weekend, I had hoped things would be calm and relaxed. Instead I feel very depressed now.  Who would have thought a thing like an armpit could throw a spanner in the works?

Well, I suppose I had better get off here and take my first dose. Keep your fingers crossed that at least they work because if they do not then I do not know what will happen.

Like I said, this is the last thing I needed right now.  Well, hopefully things can only get better.

Love

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Me? - I Think Not

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I was playing around on Photobucket the other night and discovered you can make an Avatar representing yourself.  So I thought I would have a go.  Well, they do not do "old" and they do not do "fat" which made it harder to make a cyber me - so I had to go with what they had.  I picked out a nice top, similar to ones that I wear and then discovered you had to pay for it.  So that was immediately discarded.  They do not do hair as short as I wear mine either or exactly the right colour.  I did manage to find a ginger cat that looked quite good until I added it.  Now it looks more like a stuffed hedgehog!  I really wish I did have a figure like this.  Anyway, this is the best I could come up with. So, me? I think not,  but a bit of fun to put on this journal.

 

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Strange day today, started very hot and sunny and we were told it was going to be the hottest day this year so far but the blue sky has now gone and it is overcast although still on the warm side.

I feel drained today.  Had a double dose of radio yesterday afternoon at 2.45p.m. and another double dose at 9 a.m. this morning so well less than twenty four hours apart.  But the double shots are done with now, they were the only doubles I had to have.  I just carry on being zapped now on the actual site where the cancer was.  They tell you to get lots of rest and sleep if you can.  Sleep does not cure this sort of weariness but it does help somewhat.

The redness has now spread right up to my neck.  I queried it and was told it was quite natural and not to worry, no damage would occur to these parts of my body but that I am not allowed to get any sun on it for at least six months.  Going to be so difficult then going into the garden especially when I am planting up my tubs.  I am going to have to find a large sunshade.  Becky and Dean came across some great ones, perfect for me and at a reasonable price - until they checked the price of the bases needed to hold them.  Astronomical! But they will keep looking. 

Even after the six months, I can never venture into the sun again without wearing Factor 30 or above sunscreen on the parts that are red now.  Radiotherapy leaves your skin ultra-sensitive for the rest of your life.  Oh dear, no more bikini tops - yes I do wear bikini tops or rather I did.  Going to miss that.

We have one white Iris in our pond so Mike went and took a picture.  I love the colours in it and also like to see the drops of water on it.

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Well, I do not have much else to write about.  Every day is the same at the moment.   Oh yes, Leo certainly thinks he is a "big boy" now.  He leaves his own dinner and goes to eat out of one of the dog's bowls.  Well, he knows that there is more in them lol.

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Jesse and Jack have really taken to him.  They allow him to paw their faces and we often catch them snuggled up together.  Mind you, as soon as they see us looking, they get up and walk away.  They do not want to be seen actually associating with this small ginger being.  Comical.

Hope you are all having a good week.  Sorry I still cannot comment on your journals, it is just too much to take on at the moment but it will not be too long, hopefully, before I can get back to them.

Love

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Friday, May 18, 2007

Friday - Photo Entry

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Friday again and another week of radiotherapy completed.  I was very panicky today unfortunately.  Still I am not going to talk about that, it is behind me and I am not even going to think about next week right now.  I have had to stop the painkillers provided by the hospital, they have given me awful heartburn.  When I think of all the painkillers I have taken since surgery, it is not surprising.  However, having a weekend break and just being able to relax will help my neck and shoulder.

At last the weather has improved and the second load of washing is in the machine.  Nice to see the first load blowing on the line.  I love the smell of fresh laundered items that have been hanging outside. 

I really do not have a lot to write about because you know how my days are taken up so I thought I would share a few photos with you today.  Mike popped out into the garden and got a couple of shots.

Firstly the blue Irises at one end of our pond

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Blue and Yellow at the other end

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The roses are blooming well and early

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Now for the latest pictures of Leo.  He has grown quite a bit but is still small.  He squares up to the  dogs even thought he is smaller than their heads and tells them that he is the leader of the pack.  It is cute when he goes up to Jesse and brushes alongside him.  He also loves playing with the "other" cat he sees in the mirror.  This first shot is of him playing with a toy that Mike made him.  It is only an old plastic bottle top on the end of a piece of string tied to a stick but it is Leo's favourite and he has hours of fun with that.  The photo is a bit on the bright side because it was taken against the light. Look at that fat belly -  well he never stops eating. No, not worms, he has had the full treatment. He is just a greedy guts.

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Lastly, two photos of me holding him.  I did not want my face in the pictures with my tired eyes and dark circles. When I look better that will be a different matter.

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He loves having his tummy rubbed

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I am going to try and add a new tag to my sidebar today.  It is for a group I belong to called Sisters in Christ. Some of them are journallers themselves.  We all support each other through the bad times, we pray for each other every night.  You only get one e-mail per day giving the names of anyone of us who stands in need of prayer.  There is no bulging mailbox connected with the group. When good things happen, there has been an improvement in your circumstances, knowing that the others have been praying for you, you send in a report telling the rest of the group.  When things are not so good, you send in a prayer request. Nobody pressures you and you do not have to send in reports unless you wish.  Reports  simply let the other members know how you are doing with whatever problem you are facing.  They are a truly wonderful bunch of women, each dealing with their own problems.  If any of you are interested and would like to become part of the group, then please let me know and I will contact the lady who runs it.  For some reason, it will not let me add the tag to my sidebar so I am putting it on here for you all to see. Please note this is a graphic, not a link.

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Wishing you all a lovely weekend, whatever you are doing and whoever you will be with.  God bless.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Wednesday Update

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Thank you dear friends for all your comments on my previous entry.  I did make it clear the following day when I was with a different team in the room I like best what had happened on Monday and how it upset me, in fact they could see I was still upset.  They were wonderful and could not have treated me better.

I had only been home a few minutes when the telephone rang and it was the radiotherapy department telling me that they had changed today's appointment and I would not be seeing that room or team again.  Praise the Lord.   So my complaint was taken seriously and I hope the people concerned have been spoken to.

This week has been the worst so far for me.  The radiotherapy tiredness has really kicked in now.  When you are tired your resistance to everything is so low so the journey there has been much harder for me even the journey home.  Yesterday I think I reached rock bottom or at least I hope I did.  I could not stop crying, hour after hour.  Everytime I thought there could be no more tears I started again so I telephoned the oncology counsellor for the first time.  She was very nice and talked to me for over an hour.  She explained that so many go through this, there are others that feel just as bad as I do but they do not have to contend with agoraphobia, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, anxiety etc.  She pointed out that it is less than two months since my surgery that so much has happened in such a very short space of time combined with the loss of my dear friend just after Christmas, the nasty bit of business in the family that had me almost deciding to go private with this journal, the loss of our last cat even though we now have Leo.  Trauma she said, we are not just talking about small upsets here but big traumas, the biggest being the diagnosis of cancer.  Then the shock to the body of the operation and now having to drag myself there and back every day getting ever more tired.  She was not surprised I was re-acting in the way I was.

She says it is always better to cry, no matter how long or how hard.  That bottling it up is the very worst thing you can do.  People who bottle it up tend to really get hit big time in the end and that I was not to feel bad about crying.  I told her how guilty I feel because Mike has to witness it all and he feels helpless.  She said there should be no guilt, I did not give myself cancer and to have a long chat about things with Mike and how he was feeling.  So yesterday afternoon we had a heart to heart for a couple of hours.  Did us both good.

Of course, in my heart I knew most of this already, but it never hurts to hear it confirmed by a professional  and she gave me a couple of tips to try and help me along. I also told her about Monday's bad experience and she said it was unacceptable and she was angry so I am sure that she will take it further.  She was a radiographer herself for 12 years and has been working in the field of health for forty years.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived this morning and after having got changed I came out into the waiting room to find someone asking me if I was Mrs. O.  It was the oncology counsellor I spoke to on the telephone yesterday.  She had come in person to meet me, she came into the radiotherapy room with me, chatting all the time whilst things were being prepared.  She asked what I was most afraid of right then.  I told her having a panic on the table because if I did and moved or cried, the therapy would hit the wrong place.  She assured me this would not happen. I only have to raise my right hand, treatment would stop and someone would come in to me.  That is one thing I do not have to worry about now. She also noticed how hot I was when she touched me.  I told her I am like this all the time now, either feeling burning hot so you could fry an egg on me or actually pouring with sweat and that taking the Tamoxifen in the morning instead of at night had made little difference.  I also told her how my anxiety had greatly increased since I have been on it, some of this I know is due to the tiredness and the exertions of going there every day, but not all because I find myself anxious even in the home now.  She said that in that case Tamoxifen might not be for me.  There are some patients who just cannot tolerate it no matter what they try.

Next Tuesday I will be seeing Dr. Robinson again.  The counsellor told me I must tell  Dr. R. about being hot all the time, the awful sweating, all the bad symptoms I am getting and be guided by her judgement, she might have to change me to another pill.  When I told her I was worried about the possibility of osteoporosis by taking the other pill she said it does not happen to everybody by all means and they have to weight up in the end what is best for me.  The main thing is that I beat the cancer and that comes before everything.  So, I did get  sound advice today.

She helped in another way.  When they put me on the table she could see the pain I was in.  Because of them trying to force my head right down on Monday, it has started off arthritic inflammation in my neck and shoulder.  She could see how swollen the big muscle next to my neck was and how much it hurt putting my hand above my head.  She immediately buzzed through to the oncology clinic.

After treatment I was told to go upstairs to the oncology clinic and there I was seen by a very nice doctor who examined my neck and shoulder.  He says shoulder trouble is a very common problem during radiotherapy but because of my arthritis it has aggravated it and he was also told how they tried to force my head right back on Monday!  Anyway, because my own doctor only tells me to take Paracetamol which are useless (this doctor agreed they would do little for pain such as this) he has prescribed me stronger painkillers - the only drawback being that he says they cause constipation!  Where does it ever end??   He also prescribed some gel to rub into my neck and shoulder, or rather get Mike to rub it in.    He said that will not cure it, of course, it will not get completely better until the treatment is completed and I do not have to put my arm in that odd position every day and am not under the daily stress, but it should help make things more bearable.  Alas, I have to wait until late this afternoon for the gel as our pharmacist was out of it.  We could have gone to the hospital pharmacy but there is a two hour wait there and Becky had to get home for the boys.

So, another day behind me.  Will that make tomorrow easier?  I hope so.  I do know that from now on I shall be in the room I like best, the people there are wonderful, I have the counsellor on my side.   However, there is no doubt that my problems going out have been much worse since I have been on Tamoxifen so I am not looking forward to the journey either going there or coming back.   It could all be coincidence of course.  Starting on a gruelling round of radiotherapy, commencing anti-cancer drugs at the same time whilst still not having had time to get over the shocks of all the traumas. But, I have felt totally different in myself since starting on this drug and not in a nice way. Mike and Becky have also noticed a difference in me and how unlike my normal self  I am. I am normally very even-tempered. Not anymore.

We shall have to wait and see what Dr. R says next Tuesday.

Not much news other than that.  Leo is a complete nutcase still tearing round from room to room and now he keeps trying to get outside.  Although he has a scratcher he still prefers to run up our legs with his claws out.  In fact he just tried to jump on my lap because he loves to try and catch things moving on the computer. I tried to push him away and he clung to one of my fingers drawing blood so now I am away to get the TCP and a plaster. When he is good he an absolute angel, loving you to bits and purring fit to bust but when he is in "bad" mode, clear the decks.  Well, Jeannette, you wanted a kitten!

 

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Not A Good Start To The Week

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Wish I could say the week started well but it did not.  Firstly, I had a slight panic on the way to the hospital.  That was to be expected as there had been break away from treatment. I coped with that and was o.k. by the time we arrived.

No, the problems came in an unexpected way.  For the first time I got a very unfriendly radiotherapy team.  Obviously staff do change shifts and you cannot see the same people all the time.  However, up until now they have all been lovely.  Not today.  One of them did speak to me when I walked into the room.  She asked how I was and I had told her I had been panicky on the way there.  She asked why. I told her about my agoraphobia (there should have been no need because it is stated clearly on my records).  She then said that, no doubt, I found the room daunting then, being on the large side.  ????  I had to explain to her it was not claustrophobia but agoraphobia.  She then asked me what that was!  I mean these are medically qualified people.  The other two just glared at me all the time. I do not think she understood even after I had explained it.

Then it was onto the table.  I knew immediately something was wrong.  I could find no place to rest my head.  I told them I could not lay like that, it was impossible.  They told me I had to.  I tried again, still could not do it.  I insisted that something was different, they argued everything was set up perfectly.  I tried a third time - useless.  Eventually one of them said well we could try you with a headrest!  Yes, they had forgotten to put the headrest on the table.  I was so angry.  I told them I always had a headrest and that was clearly stated on my radiotherapy calculations.  The man argued that it was not, I argued it was. He still argued.  He eventually did go back and check and then came out and told the others "yes, she does have to have a headrest" but absolutely no apology was given to me.

They then proceeded to argue amonst themselves over the setting of the machine, kept insisting I was not lying in the correct position.  Rubbish.  The bickering went on.  I spoke up and asked why it was all taking so long.  They told me I was being impatient.  By this time I was nearly in tears.  I could feel the panic rising.  However, I did get through the treatment.  Nobody helped me off the table, they all just walked away.  No query as to whether I was o.k. no goodbye, nothing.  The most miserable and disagreeable bunch I have come across so far.

I will be honest with you.  I left the hospital and promptly burst into tears and cried all the way home.  My confidence is fragile and it only takes a small setback to rock my boat.  You do not expect professionals to get things wrong, to argue amongst themselves and act as if you were not there.  This is my life we are talking about.

Now it is going to make it so much harder for me to face it tomorrow as the memory of one bad experience is enough to linger in the mind and cause fear that the same thing could happen again.  Luckily tomorrow I am in Linac 5 and there will be different people but on Wednesday I shall be back with the same group I had today. God give me strength!  I cannot tell you how this experience has upset me.

So, my friends, extra prayers that tomorrow will be much easier.  I still feel panicky over it although I am now safely home.  I certainly did not need this.  Thankfully, after Wednesday, all my treatments will be on Linac 5 where the people tend to be so very nice.  Still going to be hard now going tomorrow though. Good experiences build you up, strengthen your confidence and your optimism.  Bad experiences have just the opposite effect and, particularly for me, make me fearful.

It rained all day yesterday and the trees were almost bending double with the wind.  It was so black it was like evening. Today it is raining on and off and very overcast. Still, no doubt we shall be moaning about the heat in the near future.

I would personally like to thank the following friends and neighbours for sponsoring our journal friend, Jules, in the Race For Life. Their kindness has truly touched my heart because this race is so special to me this year.

Brenda and Phil - I have known Brenda since we were eleven.
Ron, Jackie and family -
friends
Patricia -
she knows me though this journal.
Vera - a neighbour -
she is 91 years old.
Charlie & John - neighbours
John & Betty -
neighbours
Joanne -
friend
Bob -
neighbour
Margaret -
neighbour
Paul -
neighbour
Peter & Josephine -
friends
Eric -
my late friend Christine's husband.
Penny -
friend
Elainey2465 - journaller and friend.

We are now just £7 short of the £300 mark.  Wonderful. Have the feeling we will get to that mark and pass it before the race at the end of June.  For anyone still wishing to sponsor, here is the link again

Race for Life - help us make more people survive

Now I think a cup of tea is in order and I shall enjoy that whilst reading the newspaper.

Love

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Friday, May 11, 2007

DONE AND DUSTED

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When this week started  - on Tuesday for us Brits, I seemed to face a mountain I could not climb.  Six appointments in four days.  Well, I did it.  The Good Lord saw me through.  It is behind me now.  Last treatment for this week completed and home again.  That is the end of the second week of radiotherapy - 7 treatments received, 14 more to go so I am a third the way through the course.  Mind you, I simply cannot tell you how tired I feel.  My body feels like a lead weight that I can hardly drag around.  Some of it is the sheer physical effort of getting there, some of it is now the tiredness from radiotherapy.  I hate feeling like this.  Even my brain seems to have slowed and got muddled.  Yesterday when discussing the situation over here I kept calling Tony Blair Tony Bush or George Blair.  Mental and physical exhaustion. It was to be expected but I am not happy about it.

Every afternoon I take myself to bed and sleep for about three hours.  Thankfully I now have a two day break before it all kicks off again on Monday.

Some of you have been through radiotherapy, many of you have not so I managed to take a couple of pictures of the contraption I have to lie on so you can see for yourselves.

This first one shows the room in general and you will see electrodes hanging down from the ceiling like the strings of a jellyfish and one of the two computer monitors that keeps track of everything.

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This second one shows the table I have to lie on and the radiotherapy machine behind it. There is an arm coming out from the big green circle with something that looks like a big bowl on the end of it.  When I am on the table and all calculations have been double checked, the table is raised and turned so that it lies on the flat board under that large arm.  The the big bowl descends and then rotates onto its side and the radiotherapy comes from there.  Then the whole thingswings around to the other side and the treatment is repeated.  You can see the table I have to lie on. Believe me when I tell you  it is very hard on the back, especially the upper back.

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Lastly a closer view of the table.  You can see the hard plastic headrest and the cuffs where I have to place my left arm up alongside my head.  Obviously you have to stay perfectly still, you cannot sneeze, scratch your nose or even move the other arm which is down by the side of you.  Any slight movement can mean the radiotherapy can be off the mark. When all is ready, the radiographers leave the room a buzzer sounds and a red light comes on to show treatment is in progress.  This happens three of four times with the radiographers coming in between each "zapping" to re-check again all the calculations and the table position as the table has to be swung around. 

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I am grateful to the staff for allowing me to take these photos to share with you.  Neither of them wanted to be in the picture, both hate having their photos taken even by family. Many people do. 

On the way home I did manage to stop at a little garden centre where they have a shop.  It is more of a big garden shed but they have all sorts in there, candles, plant pots, all sorts of decorative objects, garden ornaments and lovely wooden bowls and figures made by a local craftsman.  I did have to hold tightly onto Becky because my legs felt like jelly.  However, I did manage it and they had a sale on.  I got a lovely photo frame for under £2, a decorative small glass bowl for burning a candle in for £1 and a very pretty topiary tree made out of dried flowers which I now have in the middle of my mantlepiece.  It looks so nice and I felt that I was entitled to treat myself.

The dogs and Leo do not know what is going on with my disappearing every morning, the dogs in particular were so used to my be being indoors all the time.  However, they are being very good.  Leo is in for a little shock late this afternoon.  He has an appointment at the vets for his jab.  He is not going to be ahappy little kitten! I can hardly wait to see his reaction when he ventures into the garden for the first time although that will not be for a while yet.  He is bound to fall in the pond at some stage but to try and stop this happening  I might dip his feet in it, cats do not like that and he will realise that he should keep clear.

Well, that is all my news. I would like to thank Kathy (Yada, Yada, Yada) for the lovely card that arrived from California this morning, the picture on the front made me smile and the message she had written was lovely. Big hugs to you my dear friend.

We have a pile of washing in the machine but it is going to rain so we will have to decorate the house with it.  All the housework is way behind so I am glad we do not get a lot of visitors.  Still, all that can wait.   Treatment comes first.  Housework will always be there.

I am going to spend a very quiet weekend, sleeping quite a bit, listening to my talking books and doing as little as possible to build up my strength for next week.

I wish each and every one of you a lovely weekend.  Take care everyone and God bless you.

*P.S. Just wanted to say that Julie has now been sponsored for  £246 - can we make it £300?  in the Race For Life that she will be competing in at the end of June.  Way to go Jules!!!  If anyone would still like to sponsor then please visit  this link -  Race for Life - help us make more people survive

Love

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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

BC AND ME - UPDATE

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I said I would share my journey so I have decided to update you today with all the recent goings on.  When I went for radiotherapy last Friday, athough I managed it, it was the hardest trip I had made to the hospital.  My anxiety levels have rocketed.  I cried going there, I cried in the radiotherapy room.  The nurse asked why and I told her how my anxiety had seemed to increase greatly, how much harder the journey was when I had been getting used to it, the continual night sweats, feeling hot all the time.  She immediately said it was hormonal due to the Tamoxifen and I needed to see my oncologist to let her know what was going on.  You will remember that I was not best pleased with my oncologist on the first occasion I ever met her, how little time she gave me etc. etc.

So, last Friday the nurse booked me in to see the oncologist today.  You can imagine that my weekend was not exactly relaxing.  Not only did I have the memory of Friday and all the tears and panic from then hanging over my head, now I faced a double appointment today and one with the oncologist!

I am glad to say that I did do the journey this afternoon even though I felt rough and that I did not cry.  I sat calmly in the waiting room chatting to two very nice ladies who were both having the same treatment as me, although one had had chemotherapy and the other was not taking any medication at all.  I was soon called in and luckily I did not cry as soon as I got in the room.  I did have a moment of panic halfway through the treatment but I told the radiographer and she told me to take some deep breaths before they continued, only one more dose on the other side of the breast and I was finished.  So that went o.k.

Then I had to go to a different part of the hospital to wait to see Dr. R. my oncologist.  It was packed.  When I looked at the condition of some of the patients, I felt ashamed at how anxious I am and get.  Anyway, by a stroke of luck my friend Joanne was there (we met in the hospital) so I was able to have a natterwith her to pass the time.  Then I was called.  Whew, what a relief.  Dr. R. was very nice this time, I must have got her on a bad day last time. 

She immediately agreed it was my hormones causing the rise in my anxiety levels.  She said it does take time and it varies greatly from patient to patient before the body settles down and accepts it.  Both Mike and Becky told her how much worse I had been since starting them.  So she discussed it fully.  She has asked me to keep on them (the Tamoxifen) for at least another week or two because she still feels that overall it is the best drug for me.  She said that if I insisted then she would be prepared to switch medication..........but...... the other tablet they use causes joint pain and she knows that I have arthritis in my neck, shoulder, badly in my lower back and to a lesser extent in my knees.  Worse than that, it causes osteoporosis and she has had patients develop osteoporosis during their treatment. It would also mean going for regular bone density scans.  She feels that I have enough problems with my diabetes, high blood pressure, agoraphobia, general anxiety and cancer treatment without having to shoulder osteoporosis and all that goes with it.

Although she can be brusque, I have been told by many many people, patients, nurses, radiographers that she is the top of her field, she has so many letters after her name you would not believe.  That she is highly regarded in the medical profession and knows exactly what she is doing.  Who am I to argue with somebody like that?  If she feels I should give it longer, then I shall give it longer and hope that my body does adjust and as quickly as possible. I have a cousin with osteoporosis and I have lost count of the number of times she has broken bones in all parts of her body.  Tamoxifen, on the other hand strengthens bone. Dr. R. also suggested taking the Tamoxifen in the morning rather than at night.  That might help with the night sweats and allow me to sleep better because lack of sleep is wearing me out.

Dr. R. also answered other questions I had about radiotheraphy, about breast shrinkage.  If there is a lot of shrinkage then I do not need to resort to tissues, the hospital will supply me with a cup to wearinside my bra.  She also agreed to my using Aloe Vera Gel if I found it more beneficial. 

She also said that with my agoraphobia, the whole team were worried that I would not turn up at all for my appointments, so I am doing very well in the circumstances with the added side-effects of the tablets and I should congratulate myself on that.  Well, I think it is still early days, I will wait to congratulate myself in another couple of weeks.

So, that is today's double appointment behind me.  I have another one tomorrow. Morning this time, the first one being radiotherapy and the second going back on the simulator.  Apparently at the moment they are treating the whole breast but I need to have eight booster sessions where the cancer actually was, including the one that was on the outside of my breast.  So they need to re-check all the calculations to make certain they get the right spot and no errors are made.

Like I said, it is not easy getting there now with my hormones all over the place and my anxiety levels up.  Such a shame because I had started to do the journey quite well.

I know you will continue to pray that I will adapt to the Tamoxifen and the side effects will lessen because I do not even want to think of that alternative drug now.

On a lighter note, does anyone know why the wind drives cats and kittens bonkers?  We have had high winds for the last couple of days and Leo has been dashing from room to room like a thing possessed, back and forth, back and forth and being really naughty as well, hanging on the curtains, running up our legs with his claws out - ouch! and chewing everything in site.  When the wind drops he is his usual placid self.

I cannot believe it is a quarter to six.  I hate afternoon appointments because it seems in no time you are back on your way to the hospital hardly having had time to draw breath.  Still every appointment is one less. Soldier on, Jeannette, soldier on.

Now I am off to eat, watch the news and relax.  Oh, I have turned alerts off.  This is a heavy week for me and by Friday I have been told the tiredness from radiotherapy will probably start to kick in.  I know you will understand and that you know that as soon as I am able, I will be back reading and commenting on your journals.

God bless you all.  I know you will keep the prayers and good wishes coming.  Knowing you are all behind me is such a great help.

Love

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Friday, May 4, 2007

LEO

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I promised you a short video of Leo playing and it is very short running at only around 48 seconds.  He is like a whirlwind now he has settled down.  He loves to run up the canopy above my bed!  However, when I go for a lie down he always curls up either in my arms or on the pillow next to me. Firstly here are a couple of photos of him taken yesterday.

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Before I post the video, my long term readers will remember that last year we planted a Rowan tree in the front garden.  Well, it was more of a twig really with just a couple of thin weedy stems.  No chance of any blossom last year.  Look how it has come on.  We should get a lovely crop of red berries in the Autumn.

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Now for the short video of our crazy kitten

P.S. If the video says  "image coming soon", ignore it, it will play anyway or at least it does for me.

Three radiotherapy sessions down, twenty to go plus next week not only four treatments but also a consultation with my oncologist about the medication and another visit to the simulator to get everything  re-checked.  I am pooped already. At least I have three days to relax because Monday is a bank holiday.  But that means six appointments in four days next week. I have also been told that by the end of next week the tiredness from radio should start kicking in.  Oh joy.

My poor boob does get bright red from the treatment but I am looking after it as instructed and it is not too sore. I was warned that my boob might shrink.  Just think of that. Imagine having one sized 44c and the other sized 42a, the mind boggles!  I shall have to resort to tissues like I did when a teenager lol

 I shall be so glad when my last radiotherapy session is over and I can have my life back. At the moment it is owned by the hospital.

Well,  I hope you have enjoyed the pictures and video of Leo.  Have a great weekend everyone and once again, many thanks for your support and your love.  God bless you.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Thanks Everyone

Thanks for the comments to my previous entry.  I have now ordered some Aloe Vera Gel from Holland and Barratt online because they said they endeavour to deliver within 48 hours.  It was only after I placed the order that I got their confirmation saying "please allow  10-14 working days".  Oh well, I shall have to send Mike into one of their shops at the weekend because I will not be able to wait that long.

Going to be up to my knees in Aloe Vera lol

Thanks again dear friends.

*An important P.S.  Trish has asked me to thank all of you who left such kind comments about her.  She is the lady who sent me the flowers.  Trish, I am happy to pass on your thanks.

Can You Help With Cream

I am hoping the person concerned will read this.  Somebody either commented or e-mailed me telling me that a certain type of Aloe Vera cream was better than the Aqueous Cream issued by the hospital.  I cannot find the comment and yesterday I cleaned out my mail boxes without thinking.

Whoever, you were, kind friend, can you let me know again the name of the cream and where it is available to buy.

Thank you so much.

One treatment down - 22 to go. Sighs.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

FOR TRISH

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I just had to come back today and do this special posting for somebody who has done a special act of kindness for me.

This beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived this morning.  Mike took them in and assumed it was something to do with the recent nasty business I do not even want to think about.

But no, I was amazed when I read the card attached.  These flowers were sent to me by Trish.

Trish does not have a journal of her own and is not a regular commentor on mine, just once in a while.  I have never met this lovely lady, we have never spoken on the telephone. We did exchange cards for the first time last Christmas but, apart from that, we are virtually strangers.   I know her only as an occasional screen-name, yet she made this wonderful gesture to me.

There are so many good, kind, loving and genuine people in the world and, Trish, you are certainly one of them.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your caring act in sending these to me.  I shall keep the photo always.

I just wanted this lady to know how much this has meant to me, so much that I wanted to share it with everyone.  God bless you Trish, God bless you.