Not A Good Start To The Week

Wish I could say the week started well but it did not.  Firstly, I had a slight panic on the way to the hospital.  That was to be expected as there had been break away from treatment. I coped with that and was o.k. by the time we arrived.

No, the problems came in an unexpected way.  For the first time I got a very unfriendly radiotherapy team.  Obviously staff do change shifts and you cannot see the same people all the time.  However, up until now they have all been lovely.  Not today.  One of them did speak to me when I walked into the room.  She asked how I was and I had told her I had been panicky on the way there.  She asked why. I told her about my agoraphobia (there should have been no need because it is stated clearly on my records).  She then said that, no doubt, I found the room daunting then, being on the large side.  ????  I had to explain to her it was not claustrophobia but agoraphobia.  She then asked me what that was!  I mean these are medically qualified people.  The other two just glared at me all the time. I do not think she understood even after I had explained it.

Then it was onto the table.  I knew immediately something was wrong.  I could find no place to rest my head.  I told them I could not lay like that, it was impossible.  They told me I had to.  I tried again, still could not do it.  I insisted that something was different, they argued everything was set up perfectly.  I tried a third time - useless.  Eventually one of them said well we could try you with a headrest!  Yes, they had forgotten to put the headrest on the table.  I was so angry.  I told them I always had a headrest and that was clearly stated on my radiotherapy calculations.  The man argued that it was not, I argued it was. He still argued.  He eventually did go back and check and then came out and told the others "yes, she does have to have a headrest" but absolutely no apology was given to me.

They then proceeded to argue amonst themselves over the setting of the machine, kept insisting I was not lying in the correct position.  Rubbish.  The bickering went on.  I spoke up and asked why it was all taking so long.  They told me I was being impatient.  By this time I was nearly in tears.  I could feel the panic rising.  However, I did get through the treatment.  Nobody helped me off the table, they all just walked away.  No query as to whether I was o.k. no goodbye, nothing.  The most miserable and disagreeable bunch I have come across so far.

I will be honest with you.  I left the hospital and promptly burst into tears and cried all the way home.  My confidence is fragile and it only takes a small setback to rock my boat.  You do not expect professionals to get things wrong, to argue amongst themselves and act as if you were not there.  This is my life we are talking about.

Now it is going to make it so much harder for me to face it tomorrow as the memory of one bad experience is enough to linger in the mind and cause fear that the same thing could happen again.  Luckily tomorrow I am in Linac 5 and there will be different people but on Wednesday I shall be back with the same group I had today. God give me strength!  I cannot tell you how this experience has upset me.

So, my friends, extra prayers that tomorrow will be much easier.  I still feel panicky over it although I am now safely home.  I certainly did not need this.  Thankfully, after Wednesday, all my treatments will be on Linac 5 where the people tend to be so very nice.  Still going to be hard now going tomorrow though. Good experiences build you up, strengthen your confidence and your optimism.  Bad experiences have just the opposite effect and, particularly for me, make me fearful.

It rained all day yesterday and the trees were almost bending double with the wind.  It was so black it was like evening. Today it is raining on and off and very overcast. Still, no doubt we shall be moaning about the heat in the near future.

I would personally like to thank the following friends and neighbours for sponsoring our journal friend, Jules, in the Race For Life. Their kindness has truly touched my heart because this race is so special to me this year.

Brenda and Phil - I have known Brenda since we were eleven.
Ron, Jackie and family - friends
Patricia - she knows me though this journal.
Vera - a neighbour - she is 91 years old.
Charlie & John - neighbours
John & Betty - neighbours
Joanne - friend
Bob - neighbour
Margaret - neighbour
Paul - neighbour
Peter & Josephine - friends
Eric - my late friend Christine's husband.
Penny - friend
Elainey2465 - journaller and friend.

We are now just £7 short of the £300 mark.  Wonderful. Have the feeling we will get to that mark and pass it before the race at the end of June.  For anyone still wishing to sponsor, here is the link again

Race for Life - help us make more people survive

Now I think a cup of tea is in order and I shall enjoy that whilst reading the newspaper.

Love