Wednesday Update

Thank you dear friends for all your comments on my previous entry.  I did make it clear the following day when I was with a different team in the room I like best what had happened on Monday and how it upset me, in fact they could see I was still upset.  They were wonderful and could not have treated me better.

I had only been home a few minutes when the telephone rang and it was the radiotherapy department telling me that they had changed today's appointment and I would not be seeing that room or team again.  Praise the Lord.   So my complaint was taken seriously and I hope the people concerned have been spoken to.

This week has been the worst so far for me.  The radiotherapy tiredness has really kicked in now.  When you are tired your resistance to everything is so low so the journey there has been much harder for me even the journey home.  Yesterday I think I reached rock bottom or at least I hope I did.  I could not stop crying, hour after hour.  Everytime I thought there could be no more tears I started again so I telephoned the oncology counsellor for the first time.  She was very nice and talked to me for over an hour.  She explained that so many go through this, there are others that feel just as bad as I do but they do not have to contend with agoraphobia, diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, anxiety etc.  She pointed out that it is less than two months since my surgery that so much has happened in such a very short space of time combined with the loss of my dear friend just after Christmas, the nasty bit of business in the family that had me almost deciding to go private with this journal, the loss of our last cat even though we now have Leo.  Trauma she said, we are not just talking about small upsets here but big traumas, the biggest being the diagnosis of cancer.  Then the shock to the body of the operation and now having to drag myself there and back every day getting ever more tired.  She was not surprised I was re-acting in the way I was.

She says it is always better to cry, no matter how long or how hard.  That bottling it up is the very worst thing you can do.  People who bottle it up tend to really get hit big time in the end and that I was not to feel bad about crying.  I told her how guilty I feel because Mike has to witness it all and he feels helpless.  She said there should be no guilt, I did not give myself cancer and to have a long chat about things with Mike and how he was feeling.  So yesterday afternoon we had a heart to heart for a couple of hours.  Did us both good.

Of course, in my heart I knew most of this already, but it never hurts to hear it confirmed by a professional  and she gave me a couple of tips to try and help me along. I also told her about Monday's bad experience and she said it was unacceptable and she was angry so I am sure that she will take it further.  She was a radiographer herself for 12 years and has been working in the field of health for forty years.

Imagine my surprise when I arrived this morning and after having got changed I came out into the waiting room to find someone asking me if I was Mrs. O.  It was the oncology counsellor I spoke to on the telephone yesterday.  She had come in person to meet me, she came into the radiotherapy room with me, chatting all the time whilst things were being prepared.  She asked what I was most afraid of right then.  I told her having a panic on the table because if I did and moved or cried, the therapy would hit the wrong place.  She assured me this would not happen. I only have to raise my right hand, treatment would stop and someone would come in to me.  That is one thing I do not have to worry about now. She also noticed how hot I was when she touched me.  I told her I am like this all the time now, either feeling burning hot so you could fry an egg on me or actually pouring with sweat and that taking the Tamoxifen in the morning instead of at night had made little difference.  I also told her how my anxiety had greatly increased since I have been on it, some of this I know is due to the tiredness and the exertions of going there every day, but not all because I find myself anxious even in the home now.  She said that in that case Tamoxifen might not be for me.  There are some patients who just cannot tolerate it no matter what they try.

Next Tuesday I will be seeing Dr. Robinson again.  The counsellor told me I must tell  Dr. R. about being hot all the time, the awful sweating, all the bad symptoms I am getting and be guided by her judgement, she might have to change me to another pill.  When I told her I was worried about the possibility of osteoporosis by taking the other pill she said it does not happen to everybody by all means and they have to weight up in the end what is best for me.  The main thing is that I beat the cancer and that comes before everything.  So, I did get  sound advice today.

She helped in another way.  When they put me on the table she could see the pain I was in.  Because of them trying to force my head right down on Monday, it has started off arthritic inflammation in my neck and shoulder.  She could see how swollen the big muscle next to my neck was and how much it hurt putting my hand above my head.  She immediately buzzed through to the oncology clinic.

After treatment I was told to go upstairs to the oncology clinic and there I was seen by a very nice doctor who examined my neck and shoulder.  He says shoulder trouble is a very common problem during radiotherapy but because of my arthritis it has aggravated it and he was also told how they tried to force my head right back on Monday!  Anyway, because my own doctor only tells me to take Paracetamol which are useless (this doctor agreed they would do little for pain such as this) he has prescribed me stronger painkillers - the only drawback being that he says they cause constipation!  Where does it ever end??   He also prescribed some gel to rub into my neck and shoulder, or rather get Mike to rub it in.    He said that will not cure it, of course, it will not get completely better until the treatment is completed and I do not have to put my arm in that odd position every day and am not under the daily stress, but it should help make things more bearable.  Alas, I have to wait until late this afternoon for the gel as our pharmacist was out of it.  We could have gone to the hospital pharmacy but there is a two hour wait there and Becky had to get home for the boys.

So, another day behind me.  Will that make tomorrow easier?  I hope so.  I do know that from now on I shall be in the room I like best, the people there are wonderful, I have the counsellor on my side.   However, there is no doubt that my problems going out have been much worse since I have been on Tamoxifen so I am not looking forward to the journey either going there or coming back.   It could all be coincidence of course.  Starting on a gruelling round of radiotherapy, commencing anti-cancer drugs at the same time whilst still not having had time to get over the shocks of all the traumas. But, I have felt totally different in myself since starting on this drug and not in a nice way. Mike and Becky have also noticed a difference in me and how unlike my normal self  I am. I am normally very even-tempered. Not anymore.

We shall have to wait and see what Dr. R says next Tuesday.

Not much news other than that.  Leo is a complete nutcase still tearing round from room to room and now he keeps trying to get outside.  Although he has a scratcher he still prefers to run up our legs with his claws out.  In fact he just tried to jump on my lap because he loves to try and catch things moving on the computer. I tried to push him away and he clung to one of my fingers drawing blood so now I am away to get the TCP and a plaster. When he is good he an absolute angel, loving you to bits and purring fit to bust but when he is in "bad" mode, clear the decks.  Well, Jeannette, you wanted a kitten!