Thankful

Today is the 1st June.  Today I am thankful. Today I finished my radiotherapy course, I had my final treatment. In the last nine days I have had eleven treatments, counting the two doubles I had.  Today I give thanks to our Lord for giving me the strength to get through what has been such an ordeal for me.  The Lord has never failed me.

When I was first handed the long list of daily appointments, I looked at it with horror.  I saw no way that I was going to handle it.  It is bad enough for anyone but with my added problems it seemed a mountain that I would never be able to climb.  But climb it I did and God was with me every step of the way.  Some days were much harder than others but as Becky said today, I never once took "the easy option" and cancelled.

Here is me on the table just prior to my last treatment.  One of the radiographers, a lovely gentleman called Phil, took it for me.  I did not have my arm in the air and had not yet taken off my shoes but he wanted to take it before he commenced the treatment.  You can see I am giving the thumbs up. You can also see the top blue "bracket" where my arm usually is. The yellow top is not mine.  It is issued when you start radio and you take it with you every day. I am so glad that I have now been able to hand it back.

Did I shed tears today?  Yes, I did but they were tears of relief, tears because I achieved something I never thought I could achieve.

Afterwards I had to go upstairs to the oncology clinic to see the nurse so she could examine my breast.  She said that considering the amount of treatment I have had it is looking pretty good although it has shrunk and is now slightly smaller than the other one.   I do have to go and see her again next Thursday because it was explained to me that radiotherapy goes on working for about two weeks after the course is finished and she will need to check there is no breakdown in the skin especially on the operation scar which is right underneath my breast and thus is not exposed to the air.

She also had a look at my underarm as last night it started weeping again.  There is no infection.  Apparently I have been too scrupulous in keeping it clean and the new skin has not had a chance to harden off and has developed a crack in it.  She covered it with surgical gauze for me and told me to keep it dry and change the gauze every day for a few days so that the skin does not rub against skin and irritate and to put absolutely nothing on it. She will check it again next Thursday but thinks there should be no problems.

This is me leaving the radiotherapy unit when both appointments were over. I will not get the "all clear" until October when I go back to see the surgeon and by that time my breast will be able to take another mammogram.  I did query this long wait today and was told it is standard practice.  I was assured there was no way any cancer cells could have survived the bombardment I have received.  I only have to worry if any lumps appear anywhere on the outside of me like the one did on my breast.  I am not even going to think of that. I am telling myself that will NOT happen.

Today I  give thanks also to two very special people in my life - my beloved husband, Michael and my beloved daughter Becky.  They have attended every appointment with me, comforted me when I was scared, cuddled me when I cried. They have taken this journey with me and it has been very hard on both of them. I know how much they have worried.  Mike took over all the housework, the cooking, the household laundry, washed my hair for me, stood by me when in the bath so that I did not get any soap where soap was not allowed. He has also had to walk the dogs and has kept the garden tidy and the lawn mowed apart from driving me back and forwards every day and lifting my spirits when I have been very down.

Becky has had to cope with the two boys getting her up in the middle of the night,  has had to arrange baby-sitters on a daily basis. Had to get up extra early each morning to be here by 8 a.m.  On top of which she has had her own house to run, her own cooking and shopping to do and looking after two toddlers.  Never once have either of them complained.  I can see the tiredness on their faces.  They have never wavered. I am blessed with a truly loving and supportive family. 

Mike and Becky, I love you more than words can ever express.

My thanks to Dean also for taking time off work (that has been difficult for him) when there was nobody else who could have Nathan and Daniel.  Also to Dean's mother, who has many times looked after the boys and then had to work a long shift at her job.

I am also thankful for my wonderful surgeon, the district nurses, the nurses and doctors in the oncology clinic and the staff at the radiotherapy centre.  These are such dedicated and caring people and every one of them has tried to make it as easy for me as possible.  I was happy to hand in a Thank You card today.

So this first day of the month is a day on which I am truly thankful, thankful for the love of God, thankful for the strength to get through and thankful for my family and for the caring hospital staff.  But we should all be thankful, every day, thankful for love, for health, for family, for friendship, for the gift of life itself, thankful for all the little things we take for granted.  We come to realise how much those little things truly mean when faced with a very real problem or a serious illness.

I am also thankful for all of you.  You also have shared this journey with me.  Your many messages of encouragement on this journal, your cards, your telephone calls, the gifts I have been sent.  You will never know just how much they all encouraged me. You see  I felt that I did not just have my own family behind me, I had my J-Land family there as well, willing me on, caring for me, praying for me.  To each and every one of you I give my eternal thanks. Thankful also for the Sisters in Christ group who have never tired of my requests for prayers, we have been there for one another.  They have also given me courage and hope.  God bless you my dear friends, sisters and readers.

The journey is not over.  Next Monday I start the Tamoxifen again and hope that now the stress of radiotherapy is over the side effects will not be so bad although I know the night sweats will come back.  That is a small price to pay if the cancer is gone.  I have been told to give it two months and if the side-effects do not settle, then my GP can switch me to another tablet.  However, there is no anti-cancer drug that does not give you night sweats.  I am so glad we installed an overhead fan in the bedroom last  year.   Also, as I said, I do not get the all clear until October and do not have to see my oncologist again until next May.

The Lord has not failed me yet.  So I continue to pray that the cancer has been destroyed forever and will never return anywhere in my body.

I have come a long way and in a very short space of time.  I have fought a battle I never though I could fight given my fear of hospitals on top of everything else.  I still find it surprising that I actually went in for and coped with the surgery.  Looking back now I am quite amazed at myself.  But at the heart of it all lay my faith.  My faith is what carried me forward. Nothing is impossible with God.

They say that we find strength or are given it  when we need it most.  In my case this has been so true.  Of course, I am very tired and will remain so for quite a while yet.   But at last I can relax a little, slowly get my life back in order, take pleasure in things again.   I  truly pray that all women who find themselves in this situation or who are in this situation right now, will find the same strength that I found and I wish the blessings of God upon them all.

I know all who have stood by me will continue to stand by me and in October I shall look be looking forward to writing an entry telling you I have been given the all clear by the grace of God.  That is what I have to pray and hope for now.

So, what a wonderful start to the new month. The treatments I feared most are over with, they are gone.  I am happy.

Love