Needing Good Thoughts

I am asking all my journal friends to send out good thoughts for me and for those who believe in a greater power - prayers.

I have never used my journal to talk about my health much. I have used it mostly to turn out from myself and put my mind on other things. However, I am going through real problems at the moment and wanted to share with you.

My blood sugar levels have gone out of control this last few days for no apparent reason.  They are high in the morning although they do reduce during the day into acceptable figures in the evenings.  However, in the last five days I have experienced "hypos" twice.  I only ever had one of these in the early days of my diabetes.  I experienced one last night and it scared me so badly I was frightened to go to sleep, yes, at my age, frightened to go to sleep.

Most of you know that I have problems in getting out, well the truth is, I do not go out.  I had a period last year when things improved but then it all fell apart again.  This year I have suffered from a stomach bug and then got the flu very badly which can often affect blood sugars for some weeks.  Also I lost a dear friend very suddenly a week ago which shook me up. All these things have re-inforced my fears and the thought of even leaving the house makes me shake.

Anyway on Friday Mike tried to get me a home visit from our surgery.  I wanted this because in 2003 when my blood sugars went out of control, they found it was due to the fact that my blood pressure had gone sky high.  Mike and I were afraid this has happened again as the specialist I saw at the time said it could.  He could offer no explanation except that in some people it can and does happen.  The surgery flatly refused to come out to me.  After last night's "hypo" when I was so very frightened, we tried again for a home visit.  No.

So, I telephoned the Diabetic Centre at my local hospital, only to be told that no Diabetic nurses were available to give advice on Mondays!  Can you believe that, the one hospital we have covering a vast area, diabetes on the increase and no nurses available!!!!  However, I spoke to a very sympatheticlady who completely understood my situation.  She could hear that I was very distressed (I still am) and she is passing on all I told her to the diabetic nurse tomorrow and getting her to ring me.  However, she has already told me that although this diabetic nurse does work in the community, she is only allowed to visit insulin dependent diabetics and not people like me who are on tablets.  So, whether I will get the help I need, I do not know.  This is why I am asking you all for your good thoughts and your prayers.  If they cannot help me then I just do not know what the hell I am going to do. 

I feel I have absolutely no back-up, that nobody gives a damn.  I cannot get to my surgery, they will not come to me, I cannot get to the hospital and it looks as though their Diabetic nurse will not be able to come to me.  My one hope is that the hospital nurse can contact my surgery and maybe they will listen to her.

The stress on me at the moment is awful, my heart is racing all the time, my hands are sweating, I am on the verge of panic attacks all the time. Mike is beside himself as to know what to do. I have the awful feeling that something terrible is hanging over my head.  I just cannot shake it.

I always try to keep bright and keep going but this is really knocking me for six.  I know I should not think ahead but I am already worrying about what I do tomorrow if the Diabetic Centre cannot or will not help me either.  Why, in this day and age is agoraphobia still not taken seriously?  Why do the doctors assume that you are an attention seeker, that you could get there if you really wanted to.  They do not know how hard it is for me even to walk to my front gate.

So, my dear readers and friends, I am very very scared at the moment and that is the honest truth.  I cannot seem to put my mind on anything else.  I am watching myself all the time and this is only making matters worse.

I am sorry but I just cannot visit your journals today, I am far too tense and uptight and hoping so very much that tomorrow will somehow bring about the help that I need.

I have tried to getmyself help and not ignore the situation. There is nothing more that I can do now.  I have to wait and see what tomorrow brings and whether any help is forthcoming.  It is going to be a long day and night.

Please think of me.