POSTSCRIPT

I meant to say in my previous entry that those of you who have me on "alert" please do not switch it off. When I do come back I want you all to know I am back and I want to add as many of you as I can as readers of my private journal. I have to be careful though that certain people do not slip through the net.

I have a lovely little video of Leo that I want to post at some time and we will be taking photos as he grows.

*To answer Donna's comment below, I shall do a posting telling you that I will be going private in a few days (at the right time) and giving you all the opportunity to leave your names so that I can invite you as readers.

Just A Quick Thank You

I just wanted to say a very quick thank you for all the comments I have received under my previous posting.  To be honest I have not read them all properly yet, I still keep bursting into tears and my eyes are so sore.

I obviously cannot continue my journal at this time.  I do not even know right at this moment whether I am going to be able to keep my first appointment for radiotherapy on Wednesday.  I shall just have to see how I am on that morning and let them know then.

I have decided to leave this journal as it is and not delete it.  If I do decide to return (which will be after my radiotherapy is finished - whenever it starts), I shall make this journal  private.  I do not see why I should start another journal and throw away all the work of years. However, there are people who will no longer be allowed to have access.  I stress these people are not journallers not commentors.   This has come from someone much nearer home, someone that is related to me in a tenuous way. Someone who has been very spiteful and caused not only immense upset and shock to me, but trouble within the family. Well, what goes around comes around. The Lord pays debts without money.

So, once again.  Thank you all.  For those of you who believe in God,  I ask for big prayers to be sent out for me because I never expected to be rocked on my heels like this, I never expected to feel this ill so soon to starting my course.  I want to get there if I can for my three treatments this week but it is going to be so much harder now.  I hurt all over physically, I keep bursting into tears, I do not want to eat and the thought of even getting into the car and doing the journal is making me feel sick when I had been coping so well.

So, big hugs and thanks to you all.  I am glad to know that there is so much support out there for me. Glad to know that I have touched your lives and that you have enjoyed my writings and the photographs.

When I am ready to return  and I do not know when that will be (as I said yesterday my heart has been knocked out of doing a journal now) I shall do a short posting asking all those who want to be readers of my private journal to leave their names and their journal links.

Until we meet again, God bless you all and take care.

Closing Down For A While

Dear friends,

Just to let you know that I am closing down this journal for the forseeable future.  As you know I am starting my treatment on Wednesday.  It is going to be very hard and very tiring for me getting there every day and also the radiotherapy makes you feel very tired.

Also something has upset me so badly today that I am seriously wondering whether to continue this journal at all.  I cannot go into details.  However, I will say that I will not be posting pictures of Nathan and Daniel if and when I do return. Of course, that will cut down a good deal what I can write about.  It is nothing to do with journallers, it is a private matter that has shaken me to the core.

I hope to return some time in the future, probably when my treatment is over.  I shall have to see.  To be honest, my heart has now been taken out of it, the joy and pride in our Grandsons has been taken out of it. I have been hurt more than words can ever tell you.  At the moment I just cannot see how I am going to face Wednesday now.  Until I make the decision as to whether I wish to return, I know you will all wish me well and will continue your prayers for me.  God bless you all and thank you for your friendship.  I shall miss you all very much.

If I do return it will probably be an entirely new journal, a private one to be read by only those that I choose.

Too Soon? You Be The Judges

Some of you will be so pleased for us, some might think it is a little too soon.  We are just happy.

We have a new cat.  He arrived into our lives around  9 p.m. last night.

When we lost Tinker yesterday our grief was heartfelt and we had thought that was the end of a long chapter.  We will always miss him, he was unique as all animals are.  They are all characters in their own right and you do not replace one with another.

The fates have always worked in a strange way in our lives.  The sudden decline and loss of Pip last year was totally unexpected, not only by us but by the vet himself.  He had given Pip another 18 months in his assessment.  Yet, had Pip not left us when he did we would never have had Jack.

We had not expected that Tinker would pass away yesterday.  One again a strange quirk - Mike brought in the local paper.  Something he does not usually do.  We used to have it regularly but with all the free newspapers being pushed through the door, t.v. and the computer we felt it was a waste of money.  When he returned he found me sitting in the garden staring at Tinker's grave, my eyes red and sore from weeping.  He told me to have a look at the paper to take my mind off and that is what I did.  I read some interesting local news and then....................it was inevitable, I found myself looking at the Pets section. 

I called to Mike.  I told him how typical that now, of all times, when we had spent years looking, there were ginger kittens for sale.  Mike asked me if I would like one providing any were still available.  This surprised me because Mike has always been more a dog man.  He said he thought it would be just what I needed with my radiotherapy coming up, a new young life in the house, something to play with, and when the radiotherapy makes me tired and I lie on the bed, a kitten could curl up beside me. He said it would be good therapy for me and take the edge of my grief.  Mike is such a wonderful husband.

I heard myself saying yes despite the fact that I felt I had been run over from the events of the day.  We rang the number.  We did not get the usual "sorry, they have all gone." 

A very nice man said he had three left.  He admitted that they were not completely ginger, they did have white on them. I said that was no problem as long as the colour was predominantly ginger.  He promised to hold them until Mike went along.

Mike, bless him, rushed through his dinner and took off.  I asked him to ring me when he got there and tell me what the kittens were like and whether they were healthy.  Well, he did ring but only to tell me that he was on his way home with a kitten, he had fallen in love with him and knew that I would as well.

He was right, I loved him from the second I saw him.

This morning he has been to the vet.  Perfect kitten, he will be a small cat like his mother according to the vet.  Too little to have his jabs yet, wait another couple of weeks.  So now I have regular feeding to do and, of course, I cannot stop petting him and stroking him.

It is strange though that this happened and not for the first time in our lives.  We were meant to have this little creature, it was destined to be.  I know that Tinker would be pleased for us, he was a gentle cat with not a bad trait in him.

So, my friends, I hope you will be pleased for us.  I know that some of you have never been able to face getting another pet. I understand that.  But, this little bundle found us - just as a couple of you commented - that a cat would find us.  I hope he has a long and happy life and I am sure he will speed me on my way to full recovery.

So, without further ado, I will like you all to meet

LEO  aged 8 weeks - the new man in our lives.

You can see how small he is next to my mascot bear which is less than six inches tall.

Who could resist this little face? He moved slightly just as I took it so it is not as clear as the two other pictures.

I truly did not think we would ever have another cat.  I never envisaged that something like this could happen so quickly but I truly believe that it was meant to be.

Well,  I must go and see what he is up to, I need eyes in the back of my head now!

P.S. I would like to thank the following journallers and friends for sponsoring Julie in the Race For Life.

Guido
Sybil
Terry
Antonella
Jenny

This means so much to Julie and myself.  If anyone would still like to sponsor, please see the link on the left under Other Blogs - it is at the bottom.  Thank you.

Goodbye Sweet Tinks

I am writing this through tears.  Our sweet black and white cat, Tinker, passed away this morning at the age of sixteen.

He was the last of our five cats.  How quiet the house is going to seem from now on with no mewing, no scratching at the patio doors to get into the lounge, no being the first in the queue at feeding time.  For the first time in all our married life we will not have a cat in the home.

The death of a much loved pet is devastating at any time but now, with my radiotherapy treatment starting next week , it has hit me so very hard.  Last year we lost our beautiful Collie, Pip.  The year before that we lost our cat Flicky.  So this is the third year in a row for us that one of our animal companions has left us.

We knew he was old but had not expected his death to come yet.  The strange thing was that he hardly ever went into the dining room.  He was more a kitchen and sunlounge cat.  However, he must have felt his end was near and went into the dining room and died just close to where we have the ashes of Pip.  Pip and he were great friends.  Tinker would rub his little head all over Pip's large one, they would curl up together.  We like to think that he was getting as close to Pip as he possibly could before his little soul left his body.

It was Mike who found him, he went in there to get something and came out with tears in his eyes, telling me he had bad news.  I guessed immediately.

Mike is digging a grave under our Plum tree where he will rest in peace. He will be close to Flicky and Jasper.

I remember so well the day we got him   We went out for a day trip to a nearby zoo which has now closed down.  There was myself, Mike and Becky.  We had a wander around looking at all the animals, then a cup of tea and a cake at the tearoom.  I wandered off again and in a corner area, saw a pen with kittens for sale.  We had no intention, at that time, of getting another cat.  I love all animals and kittens are so sweet that I stood for ages just staring at them.  Then this little one came and climbed the wire and putting his tongue through began licking my hand.  I wandered off and then returned.  He did the same thing.  He looked frantic when I walked off again.  The third time he did it, I knew he had "chosen" me.  I told Mike about him and showed him.  Mike said we did not want any more animals.  We left the zoo and drove off.  I could not stop thinking about the little bundle of black and white fur and I could not stop talking about him either.  It was inevitable that Mike turned the car around and before we knew it I had a cardboard box on my knee containing a lively kitten.  I named him Tinker on the way home.

He had been through three changes of home with us, he had seen so much, too much to relate here but - Becky married, the arrival of our Grandsons and had also seen, one by one, all his animals friends leave him.  I know he was lonely after Flicky died because, next to Pip, Flicky was his best mate and the only other cat.  He really went into a decline after Pip died.  He was never the same after that.

So, now he is gone.  Sixteen years of love, sixteen years of fun, sixteen years of memories.  He leaves behind a huge hole, a house bereft of cats.  I grew up with them. I have always had them.  From the time I was three I can remember my parents' beautiful ginger cat, Sandy. I always wanted a ginger cat but was never lucky enough to have one.  They are so hard to obtain in these parts.  So you can really say that it is the first time in sixty years I will not be "owned" by a cat.  With Tinker's passing a chapter has come to an end.

I still cannot believe it, I expect him to walk into the room at any moment, hear his familiar cry.  Instead I look out into the garden and see Mike digging a grave whilst the tears keep flowing from my eyes.

*I had to break off here.  I wanted to be there when the act took place.  He has a lovely site, under the tree as I said.  I picked some Marigold flowers and then  scattered them gently over him and said my farewells whilst shaking with tears and grief.

So, goodbye old friend and companion.  I hope you are with Pip, Flicky, Muffin, Peanut, Japser, Bonnie, Brandy and all our other beloved pets at the Rainbow Bridge.  Thank you for your love, your friendship, the happiness you brought us.  We will never forget you.  Rest in peace, Tinks, rest in peace.

Please Will You Sponsor?

Our journal friend Jules It's my life - a diary in remembrance of Felix    is taking part in the Race For Life to raise funds for cancer research just as she did last year.  I am touched that this year she has dedicated her run to me.  I never thought I would be diagnosed with breast cancer and so many women get this awful news every week of the year. Thousands get diagnosed with other types of cancer. Every penny counts in funding new treatments which are getting better all the time. So many families will be affected by a relative that has cancer.  Maybe you have been affected, maybe you have lost loved ones to this disease or you probably know of friends or neighbours.  This is such a worthy cause.  * Please note this has nothing to do with the American "Relay For Life".  The two are totally separate.*

Americans can donate as well, it is not just confined to us Brits.  Provided, of course, they have the right kind of card such as Visa.  I do hope some of our American friends will be able to support us.

However, little you can spare, please give. It can save lives.  Thank you my friends and a BIG thank you to you Jules

Here is the link to the site. You can sponsor there.  Please let us help Jules to raise a lot of money.

Race for Life - help us make more people survive

St. George's Day

Happy St. George's Day to all here in England. For our American friends, St. George is our patron saint.  The Scots have St. Andrew, the Welsh have St. David and the Irish have St. Patrick and I know America does have St. Patrick's Day parades.  We have our two little flags up to mark it.  In my opinion it should be a national holiday.  We have so few holidays compared to other countries.  Actually the picture was taken yesterday afternoon.

What a change in the weather today after several days of glorious sunshine and warmth.  No sitting in the garden today, the breeze is so strong it is actually blowing some leaves from the trees!  Very chilly as well.

Nothing much to report.  We had a very quiet weekend just pottering about and sitting outside.  I am waiting for some plants to arrive that Mike will be putting in for me.  I have gone for drought resistant perennials as they forecast the hottest summer for thirty years and even if we escape a hosepipe ban, we do not want the daily watering.  Hopefully they will be here by the weekend and we can get them established.

We did not see the family over the weekend because Dean is busy decorating.  They are moving the boys into another bedroom so that the two of them can move into the boys' bedroom whilst they decorate their own bedroom.  This gave Daniel another opportunity to get up to his tricks.  Becky was getting Nathan dressed, Dean was busy painting so Daniel took himself into the garden.  Dean had left a bucket of wallpaper paste and brush outside.  When Becky came down she found that Daniel was busy covering the patio doors both inside and out and including himself with the paste.  He was quite happy and she had to laugh because he was using the brush just like Daddy.

The boys have both had haircuts so I am waiting for new photos.

I am making progress. My exercises hardly hurt me at all now, just a vague uncomfortable feeling now and again. Still have some back pain but then I have suffered back pain for many years.  Happily it is not as uncomfortable now and I am glad to say my stomach seems to be finally settling down.

So I really do not have much else to tell you.  Hope you all had a good weekend.

I found this video on YouTube and just had to share it with you.  I used to have a parrot plus lots of other birds years ago, used to breed various species so this little film really appealed to me.  Hope that you enjoy seeing the antics of this Ring Neck Parakeet.

Take care my friends and have a great week.

Assessment

Yesterday I went for my assessment.  I had to wait all day as my appointment was not until late afternoon.  That put a lot of pressure on me especially as I have had an upset stomach for the last few days (mainly nausea and loss of appetite).  However, I am happy to report that I made the journey quite well.

Obviously I had to go to Radiology and Oncology which is in a completely different building and, as usual, Mike had the hassle of finding a parking space.  There is just not enough room for all the cars that are there on a daily basis and sometimes you have to drive around and around until a space becomes vacant.

The waiting room was very pleasant, not one huge open room like the Breast Clinic. The waiting rooms here are small, about four chairs, a couple of changing cubicles, nice pictures on the walls.  We sat chatting to a very nice elderly couple.  He was having radiotherapy on his jaw.  He has Parkinson's Disease and they felt that radiotherpy might be able to stop the constant dribbling he has to endure.  Let us hope they are successful.

Then I was called.  Nobody could come with me this time.  On first entering the room and seeing all the machinery I must admit my stomach turned over.  Then I was put at ease by a very lovely man, one of the radiographers. A couple of silent tears ran down my face at the prospect of having to go through it all and it was yet another reminder that I am a cancer patient.  He put his arms around me, told me that his name was Elijah and that God was with me.  He also told me I was among friends, friends who were helping me to recover completely and not to be afraid.  He said I could ask him anything, tell him anything and never be scared to admit that I was scared.  That did a lot to put me at my ease. I then had to answer some questions which he ticked off on a form, one of which was would I mind if occasionally, students were in the room.  I readily gave my consent.  They have to have their training and having gone through whatI have already, I have no qualms about anyone seeing my naked breast (do not expect a picture here).  So, if I can help students, all the better.

Then it was onto the table.  Now this was not easy for me.  I never lay on my back due to the arthritis in my neck.  I do get pain if pressure is put on my neck.  So it took them sometime to adjust the headrest to get the best possible position for me but even then it was very uncomfortable because there was no soft padding, just a hard metal rest.  Also having my arm fixed into the air.  At first that was o.k. but after a time it started to "pull" on the operation scar, so once again adjustments were made to try and make it easier for me.

They took lots of measurements, drawing crosses and marks on my chest and breast (thankfully most of that has now washed off), attaching metal strips and re-positioning them,  taking a scan and and X-ray.  Then the machines came into play.  I must admit I felt like I was on the Starship Enterprise or something.  A machine suddenly appearing on the right side and automatically scanning across you with green flashing lights, one coming up from the left with red lights.  This happened on various occasions with the two machines moving around me, the table I was on being swung around.  Endless measurements being called out and double checked.  The table settings listed. In all it took around 30 minutes or so but it felt much longer.  The last thing was the tatooing.  Only one hurt and they warned it would because the area is still tender but one of the staff, the woman, held my hand and gave me permission to scream.  Well, I did say "ouch".

That was it.  Then I was given my own top to bring with me on all subsequent visits and Elijah then took us to the Linac 5 area where I will be having my radiotherapy.  This is a brand new part of the hospital with all new and more accurate machines.  He told me what to do when I get there and gave me my first treatment date - 2nd May.

He walked us to the main entrance and put his arms around me and gave me a huge hug, a real cuddle.  He told me he will be doingquite a lot of my radiotherapy but not always as he will obviously not be on duty all the time. He shook hands with Mike, told us not to worry, everything would be fine and that was that.

Coming home I decided I wanted to take a much longer drive so we stayed out for a further hour.  I was very tired when we did get home.

I must admit today my muscles are hurting across under my shoulder blades and also my lower back but then I always have problems with that.  Now, all I need is for my stomach to get completely better and I feel things will really be looking up.

So, I have taken another step on the road to recovery, another hurdle overcome.  In some ways I wish the radiotherapy could have started next week rather than having it hanging over my head but they know best and it will give me a little break from all the appointments and also, hopefully, give my stomach time to settle down. 

It was not caused by the anti-cancer drugs which I commenced taking last weekend because I already had the upset stomach before I started them.  Whether it is a bug or my stomach is just irritated by all the stress I have had I do not know.  My own doctor has given me some tablets that cut stomach acid but I really do not want to take them if I can avoid it.  I am on enough tablets already and these ones also have a list of side-effects as long as your arm.  I would prefer to eat light food and let my body heal itself if possible.  Anyway, time will tell.

Please keep your prayers coming.  Well, I need not ask because I know that you will.  I have come a long way but now face the hardest challenge of all.  Going for radiotherapy every single day.  Also please pray that my stomach clears up really soon because I do not need anything pulling me down. 

I shall leave you now and go and rest my back.  I asked Elijah and the other two team members if I could take their photos for my journal and they were thrilled.  They said it was a great idea sharing my experiences with others and that it might help somebody at some point.

Here is Elijah

Elijah, "Buzz" and Harry

The Dynamic Duo

This entry will make little sense now but for personal reasons I have had to cut all the accompanying pictures. This was due to a "family" member doing something very spiteful and unforgiveable at the worst time in my life.

Here I am busy in the kitchen.  Well, my Daddy was a chef for a long time you know and I want to be able to cook as well as him

So, if you will excuse me I must get on with my mixing.  This is a serious business

I will leave all that to my big brother, I have no interest in the mechanics of how food is made.  When the cakes were ready I sat and helped  put the "sprinkles" on the tops of them.  At least she thought that was what I was doing but really I was waiting for the opportunity to grab one and eat it as fast as possible.  I do love my food!

Personally, I like to experiment.  Like the other day when I wondered whether Chocolate mousse would be as good to wash myself in as my baby bath foam and hair shampoo.  You can see by the look on my face that Mummy was not very pleased with my idea.  She was also not happy when I tried the same thing with butter and also decorated the t.v. and the carpet with it.  Perhaps I had better not try these things again.

Nanjay and Grandy only laughed and last Sunday they gave us some lovely chocolate as a present.  It came in boxes with our favourite Thomas The Tank Engine on them. We were very happy.

We could not wait to get stuck into them

Then Mummy and Daddy took us for a trip out to visit a very nice place which we enjoyed.  These fish are like the ones Nanjay and Grandy have in their pond.  Wow!

If Daniel would shut up for a minute (some hopes) I would like to say that I also enjoyed the chocolate and the trip and I am sending all Nanjay's friends a big smile

Lastly, Nanjay and Grandy took a little trip out on their own a couple of days ago.  Not too far as Nanjay is a bit poorly at the moment but I wanted to share their pictures with you so that you can see that they enjoyed it, maybe when Nanjay is better we can all go out together.

Finally, Grandy wanted to send all Nanjay's J-Land friends (wonder what J-Land is??) a big wave and big thanks for all the love and support you are sending.

Love to you all from

Nathan (the sensitive one) and Daniel (the little b....r ) - lol - not really.

Clinic Visit

I had my visit to the breast clinic this morning.  I found it much harder going after the fiasco of last week.  Shed quite a few tears before I left.  Anyway, I managed to do it and get through the thirty-five minute wait but came home with few answers.

For the last three days I have been getting a bright red area that starts in my armpit and spreading onto the left side of my breast, several inches across.  The district nurse yesterday thought it might be an infection so she was pleased I was attending the clinic this morning.  Now this redness comes and goes.  It will be there for a few hours and then fade away to almost nothing.  So to be sure Caspar knew what I was talking about, Mike took a couple of photos late yesterday afternoon.  I also wanted to find out about the lump under my armpit and whether it was fluid, perhaps infected fluid and needed draining and antibiotics.

To cut a long story short Caspar has no idea what is causing the redness.  He studied the photos.  He studied me, he could see it was still slightly pink.  He said it could be caused by my clothes rubbing again flesh that was still tender.  I pointed out that yesterday afternoon I went to bed for two hours, I was not wearing clothes, the window was open and my scarred body received lots of fresh air, yet when I woke it was bright red!!! Nothing could have rubbed. He said well, it is definitely not infection as there is no swelling and I am not running a temperature.  Trust me to have something mysterious.

Anyway he poked and prodded, said there was no problem whatever with the wound, it had healed remarkably well.  The lump under my armpit is not fluid, it is hard.  I think it is something he called the axilla, in other words it has been disturbed by the surgery and might be like that permanently.

I then mentioned the amount of pain I am getting.  He said it could be the nerves trying to recover from the surgery and that some women were more sensitive than others and with the passing of time it should lessen and lessen.  Well, he should try living with it.

So, all in all, no infection, no reason found for the redness, the pain will just have to be borne for the foreseeable future.  I told him how worrying I find this redness and pain but he assured me again and again there he can find absolutely no problems.  As he is a top man in his field I have to accept that.

Lastly, it has been decided, after a few days of discussion, that despite my family history that Tamoxifen is the drug they want me to be on.  I fully discussed my family history which is mainly on the male side and involved furring of the arteries as the biggest problem.  I was told what they worried about was break-away blood clots which is different.  This only happened to one member of my family, again a male.  They then said that although possible side effects have to be printed on leaflets, the chances of anything bad happening are exceedingly small and the good effects have to be weighed against the bad.  I could see the sense in that.  After all, the last thing I want is the cancer returning. I want to be rid of it forever.

So, I have had to accept their decision.  I think taking any drugs worries me, I do not even like being on all the ones I already have to take.  But I must get on with it.

The two side effects most common and that I am likely to get are nausea and hot flushes and sweats.  Oh God, I thought I had seen the last of them years ago!!!  I hope I do not develop the nausea either because next week I have to go for my radiotherapy assessment (Wednesday afternoon) and the following week I start the course of radiotherapy.  Bad enough having to get there every day without feeling constantly sick as well.

So, my friends, that is all my up to date news on me and bc.  I know you will continue to pray for me.  I ask you to pray that the side-effects of the tablets are as little as possible because nothing must get in the way of my radiotherapy.

Oh, one last thing.  One of the district nurses chatted about my blood sugars last week andagreed they could not stay as high as they have been/are in the long term.  She told me to stop taking readings over Easter to give myself a break and stress pushes them higher.  She kindly phoned the diabetic nurse at my surgery and had a long chat with her .  Kim, the diabetic nurse agreed that I should not take them over Easter and that she would phone me to have a chat and possibly arrange to see me and assess whether there should be an increase in my diabetic meds if necessary and that it would be on Tuesday or Wednesday.  Guess what, as if you haven't already.  I have not heard a single word from the diabetic nurse.  Guess I have been forgotten about.  So, I will have to try and make an appointment to see her next week.  More aggro.

I just wish things would run smoothly in my life just once in a while.

I have some new photos of Nathan and Daniel.  I will share those with you next time.

Love

Tuesday - Video Entry

We had a very quiet Easter.  Saw the family on Easter Sunday and Nathan and Daniel loved their Thomas the Tank Engine Eggs.

I did manage to sit in the sun for a little while but did not overdo it.

I have phoned the clinic this morning and spoken to my cancer nurse who was in on the meeting to discuss the right medication for me.  She did confirm that my agoraphobia, diabetes and high blood pressure were discussed but my family history was not.  In the circumstances, she is going to speak to Caspar about the situation.  He could refer it on to my oncologist for further discussion.  Of course, they could still come down on this being the right medication for me and if so, there is nothing I can do.  I have to take it and trust that it will do more good than harm.  She did say that I had done the right thing in ringing her as all circumstances have to be taken into consideration.  She will be ringing me back at some point so right now I am playing the waiting game.

I thought I would share a little video with you today.  Our collies just love water but Jack is the worst of the two and always wants to be in it.  He will jump into the bath expecting to get washed at the drop of a hat!

The covers are still over the pond because this early in the year the Herons are still about. We have one that visits regularly and sits in the tree in the neighbouring garden waiting his chance.  So the pond does not look at its best but had the covers been off we would not have been able to take this video of Jack up to his antics.

So, sit back for a couple of minutes and enjoy.

YouTube seems to be having some problems. If you get the message "Coming Soon" still click on it, it will work.

I hope you all had a Happy Easter and I wish you all a great week.

He Is Risen, He Lives!

This man went unto Pilate and begged the body of Jesus. And he took it down and wrapped it in linen and laid it in a sepulchre that was hewn in stone, wherein never man before was laid.

And that day was the preparation and the sabbath drew on.

And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and beheld the sepulchre and how his body was laid.

And they returned and prepared spices and ointments: and rested the sabbath day according to the commandment.

Now upon the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre bringing the spices which they had prepared and certain others with them.

And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre.

And they entered in and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.

And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining garments:

And as they were afraid and bowed down their faces to the earth, they said unto them "Why seek ye the living among the dead?"

"He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee"

Saying, "The son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and the third day rise again."

And they remembered His words.

God bless you and your families not just on this Holy Day but each and every day for always.

May You Have A Blessed Easter

Wishing each and every one of you a blessed and Happy Easter.

Behind all the hype that goes with this festival today, let us not forget the true meaning of this time and hold it in our hearts.

That Christ laid down his life for each and everyone of us and rose again in glory on the third day. We should always be mindful of that and remember that He is with us always. Prayer is very powerful and can and does work miracles.

May His love descend upon you all this Easter and always

To Answer Some Of Your Comments

To answer a couple of your queries regarding my entry of earlier today.

No, this lady cannot be reported.  She was not actually rude other than the fact she mainly ignored me and was not sympathetic to my particular circumstances and gave me further things to worry about.  She is the Boss, Caspar has not authority over her, he is just the surgeon.

No, I cannot go to A and E.  They will not deal with the fluid build up because I am already being treated by the cancer unit.

One last thing has me very worried indeed.  I was told by Caspar that she would discuss with me the very best anti-cancer drug to put me on.  She never discussed anything with me.  Just wrote out a prescription for Tamoxifen.  Now, I know this is a common drug to use for hormone fuelled cancer like mine.  However, I did make it clear when I first saw Caspar that there is a history of thrombosis in my family.  He passed all this information on to Dr. Robinson, now I wonder whether she bothered to fully read it. My brother has had his veins done, the other brother died of thrombosis, my father had his veins done and suffered two coronary heart attacks.  All his brothers died of blood clots and my own mother suffered a series of strokes before her death.   I also have high blood pressure.  The leaflet on Tamoxifen says that the risk of deep vein thrombosis is increased on this drug and also the likelihood of strokes especially if you have high blood pressure!  None of this was discussed with me at all, I was not given the option of an alternative drug.  I am not going to start them now until next week.  I want to speak to my cancer nurse first and tell her how worried I am about this.

A Downer

Well, I wish I could tell you I came home happy and relieved from my appointment but that is not the case.

Firstly, less than twenty-four hours after the fluid was drained, yesterday it started building up again.  As I had my appointment today I phoned the clinic yesterday afternoon to tell them and I was told it would be arranged for it to be drained again whilst I was there today.  So far so good.

I did the journey well.  We get to the breast clinic.  Immediately I am told they are running an hour behind.  Well, I coped with that, especially as I knew I was going to have the fluid drained which would use up some of that time.

Caspar and his team were not on duty today so I am called in to see a different doctor.  She had a look and agreed it was fluid building again.  However she then said she was not prepared to drain it.  I asked why and she said because of the risk of infection.  I pointed out that needles are sterile and there should be no more risk than there was on Tuesday.  She was adamant that she would do nothing and told me to get painkillers from my pharmacy.  I have been living on those bloody things.  They did make me another appointment to see Caspar next Thursday, the Thursday AFTER Easter which is over a week away and he would probably drain it for me.  It could be the size of a bloody football by that time.  As you know there is nobody that can deal with things like this over the Easter break.

So back into the waiting room.  I did bump into my friend Joanne who was in hospital at the same time and had also been in to see this Dr. Robinson. Dr.Robinson needed to be a very important and very special in my life as she has charge of me for the next several weeks.  She is my oncologist. A Cancer patient needs a very good rapport and trust in their oncologist.  My next proper appointment to see Caspar is not until October.  Everyone that was going in was spending 30 to 40 minutes with her.  Joanne and her Mum chatted for a time and then had to leave.  Then the nurse came up to me and said there would be another 45 minute delay.  My nerves were getting to breaking point, the place was emptying out.  People who had come in long after me were leaving and still we sat there.  Came down to just three people waiting so I assumed I would be called fairly soon now.

The nurse came back and said there would be another 45 minute delay.  Thatdid it.  I broke.  I just could not take it. Firstly they had refused to drain the lump and we had been waiting for well over two hours.  I told them I would come back another time, it was way beyond lunchtime, I was diabetic and needed to eat, I had had enough.  They offered me a sweet biscuit!!  I started to cry.  In the end they let me go into a little sitting room where they made me a cup of tea.

Never mind said Mike and Becky, you will be in soon and you can put all the questions to her that you need to ask.  You have got this far and waited this long so get it over with. Caspar had told me that he had discussed my case fully with her, told her I was agoraphobic and suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, she had agreed with him that she would tailor radiotherapy to fit my particular needs (probably not every single day). He told me she was fully informed and would be sympathetic and understanding.

The district nurse who came yesterday agreed my blood sugars were much higher than they should be so I wanted to discuss this with her also on the nurse's advice.

Eventually we are called in.  There she sat with a plate of jam tarts in front of her.  She put a leaflet in front of me and told me all the things that Caspar had already told me, about it being stage two, the lymph nodes not being affected.  She could see I was highly nervous and had been crying so I had expected her to put me at my ease.  The next thing she tells me is that because I had the cancerous lump on the outside of my breast as well, there is a possibility the cancer could return!  Then she tells me it will be four weeks of radiotherapy every day and absolutely no discussion about it and got me to sign the consent form. 

She then tells me that radiotherapy itself could cause the cancer to return in the affected breast.  She asked how painful my chest and breast were and I said at times very painful indeed.  She then said it was because they cut the nerves in my armpits and also in my breast and went on to say that some women never lose this pain and have it for the rest of their lives.  This is all said to someone who suffers from chronic anxiety and she could see I had already been crying.  She wrote out a prescription for the anti-cancer pills which she said I can start next Tuesday in case of any clashes with other pills or bad side effects, best to get Easter out of the way first.

She never looked at me, she spent more time talking to Becky asking how old the boys were and whether they were getting many Easter eggs!!!!  Mike was not even acknowledged or spoken to.  I got the strong feeling that she does not like people who suffer with "nerves".

I was not given the opportunity to discuss whether there was the possibility of any clashes with my other medication or that I was worried about the rise in my blood sugars.  She never looked at the wounds, one of which has not completely healed. She ignored me when I said I had a fluid swelling again. She never mentioned my problems about getting to radiotherapy on a daily basis.  She closed my file, stood up, wished us a happy Easter and that was that. She did say, as we were on the way out, that I would get an appointment for my assessment for radiotherapy in the post but could not say when. We were given about eight minutes of her time. 

I cried all the way home.  I am still crying from time to time.

I got no reassurance, no understanding, was not given time to ask questions that needed to be asked, was frightened by being told the cancer could return as one of the growths had been outside.  This has pushed me right back.

Now I face Easter with the ever growing swelling, the thought in my mind that the cancer could return, not knowing when my assessment will be.  I am not happy, I am not happy at all.

Why I have I decided to write about it?  I promised to share my journey with you and that includes the bad as well as the good.  It is therapy in letting some of it out in writing about it.  However, the peace of mind I had hoped to return with, the understanding I expected to get which would make me feel easier about my coming assessment and radiotherapy treatment did not materialize.  I feel as though I have been hammered into the floor.

So we left here at 10.10 a.m. and returned well after 1 p.m. and to me, the wholething was a complete waste of time.  All that was achieved was that I signed the consent form and was given further things to worry about.

Sorry this has not been a happy entry.  There is nothing I can do except get on with it but right at this moment, I wish I had never gone to that bloody appointment this morning.

My Results

You can imagine I was very scared inside (I tried not to show it for the family's sake)  going back this morning although I did try and take in the beautiful sunshine and the spring flowers.  The usual hassle to find a parking space.  It was not helped because although there was hardly anyone in the clinic there was a wait of over 40 minutes, it seemed like 40 hours.

Firstly, what a relief when my surgeon drained the fluid from under my arm.  Of course, being the joker he is he remarked how clear it was and looking at the large syringe he said he could read a paper through it.  I told him it looked more like urine to me and he replied it was more like Lambrusco.  That is a wine I shall never drink again.

I got a bit of a shock at first when he mentioned the sebaceous cyst I first went to the clinic with.  He himself had agreed it was a sebaceous cyst but prior to surgery when I was asleep, he had a good feel around and found a smaller lump next to it.  This made him suspicious so he actually cut out the whole of that and went straight through behind it to find the main tumour.  When it was all checked at the lab it was found that the cyst on the outside of my breast had been cancer as well.  What a good job I had such a brilliant surgeon who left nothing to chance.  A cancer growing on the outside of the skin that is not caused by exposure to sun is quite rare.  But it is gone now so I am not going to think about that anymore.

Then it was the results.  My cancer was stage two which is fairly normal.  Very few people present with stage one cancer.  The great thing is that my lymph nodes were CLEAR none of them showed any signs of cancer.  This means NO chemotherapy and no radiotherapy on my underarm.  He still puts my chances of complete recovery at 90 per cent and was very happy for me.  To be honest I am still trying to take it in.  My family and I have prayed so hard.  Mike and I prayed together before we left this morning and we certainly gave thanks when we returned home.  I have had so much prayer through the computer.  Prayer is a very powerful tool and can and does work wonders.

Of course, I still have a long way to go.  I have to go back on Wednesday, day after tomorrow, for a meeting with my oncologist/radiotherapist.  She will be a stranger to me and I can only hope she will be as understanding of my agoraphobia and anxiety as my surgeon was.  She will discuss what anti-cancer drugs I will be on, how much radiation I shall need on my breast and for how long. It can be anything from three to six weeks and whether it needs to be on a daily basis or less.  I have my appointment at 10.45 a.m. on Wednesday so I know you will continue to send out prayer and positive thoughts for me.  It is very important that I get on well with this lady because she will play a big part in my life for some time.

To tell you I feel shattered is an understatement. With all the trauma of last Friday (I did report him) and being in pain over the weekend and then this morning not knowing what I was going to hear, I feel like I could sleep for a week! However, I have the district nurse coming in again tomorrow and then the clinic again on Wednesday.

I think the thing I am dreading now is the assessment, where they locate the exact place to shoot the radiation, mark out the exact area, find the best position for you and tatoo your breast.  I always fancied a tatoo but not in these circumstances.  They will be little black dots apparently.  I would have preferred a rose or a butterfly! The whole thing takes about forty minutes and nobody will be allowed to come in with me.  I have not got the appointment for that yet, will probably get it on Wednesday.  But I have coped so far, I am lucky my results have been so positive.  I will deal with that as it comes.

Now I am going to have a cup of tea and then shut my eyes for a while.  This has been such a stressful few weeks and so out-of-the-blue.

I wanted to leave you with a couple of photos.

Here I am with the wonderful Caspar, my surgeon who has done a marvellous job and with his compassion and humour has made things such much easier for me. I wish he was able to continue with the rest of my treatment as I trust him implicitly and we have a great relationship. Alas that cannot be.  I will see him again in six months when radiotherapy will all be behind me.

Secondly with Laura, my lovely cancer nurse and consultant.  I can ring her with any worries and problems that I might have and she is there to help me through.  God bless these wonderful people.  So dedicated, so caring.

I asked their permission first, of course.  When I told them I was sharing my journey through cancer to recovery in my online journal in the hope that it might help just one person, they were only too happy to consent.

I could not have received better news and coming in this Easter week when we remember the sacrifice Christ made for us all  on the cross and then the joy of his resurrection, it has made it extra special.

Once again I thank you for your love and support.  I know you will be behind me at my appointment on Wednesday when I go to discuss my further treatment and also when I go for my assessment (a separate appointment) and then when I begin my radiotherapy.

Have a wonderful week everyone and God bless you all.